My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
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3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts