whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
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The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
You deplete me
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.