Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
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Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha