If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
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If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.