turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
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I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
did it work
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans: