You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
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murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
My first son he is wonderful
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Truth
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight