*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
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Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
so much to do
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka