The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
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Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I feel seen.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
*seductively eats two tums*
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Woke up against my better judgement again
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.