Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
“Great, now I have to pee.”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?