dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
You Might Also Like
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.