Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
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My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.