Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Eat…
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”