Nobody ever collects famous first words.
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My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
He wanted to make sure😂
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
So glad we cleared that up
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!