“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
You Might Also Like
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.