I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
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HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
just witnessed a drug deal
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Feels like there should be a middle ground
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes