An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
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Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.