One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
You Might Also Like
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you