Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
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Meow?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training