[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
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Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Your honor these allegations are