I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
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carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Does this dress make me look cat?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder