Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
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Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…