the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
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If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.