Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
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I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
why I oughta
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.