Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
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I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.