When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
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My birth announcement for our third baby
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I thought this was funny lol
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.