When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Breaking news:
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Your secret is safeish with me
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.