Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
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Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?