[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
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kevin is now a local weatherman
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
me 2 months after i graduated
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
technically true but not a great slogan
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
“I took care of your clown problem.”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.