My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
You Might Also Like
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.