Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
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So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Me driving through Toronto
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.