“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
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Sunday
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Hey! This isn’t my car!
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
This meal prepping shit is easy
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Yup!
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.