Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
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I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing