My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Ugh but profoundly