How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
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“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole