*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
You Might Also Like
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Spring of Deception
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.