Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
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“I wouldn’t.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet