PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
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My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds