I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.