As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
You Might Also Like
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus