I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
You Might Also Like
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Baller is short for ballerina
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics