Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
You Might Also Like
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”