to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
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SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.