sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
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While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
This anagram machine is out of order.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants