I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
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MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.