I have no passwords left in me
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me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water