[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
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I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
😂 amazing answer
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge