me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
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It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.