i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
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[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
much to think about
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy