Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
You Might Also Like
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
<- sleeps well with others
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*