Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
You Might Also Like
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.